You were too much Benjamin

Dear Ben,

12096516_10206443431623213_8712661767140151057_nI don't know if you will ever read this, but knowing how the universe works, you just might.

After hearing about your passing from your father a few days ago, I wept. We had known each other for ten years. I still remember the day we met. I was having an art show at a gay bar and while most were shocked by the boobs and vaginas that were so prevalent in the work, you looked passed it all into the numbers, shapes, and magick. We spoke of Crowley, High Magick, the OTO, the secrets of ritual in art. Alchemy.

I soon discovered you were a fellow Yankee living in Texas like myself. The years passed and we continued to form a strong bond, a friendship that made it through the relationship struggles we both faced.

At one point I told you how much I loved you. More than a friend. Never having those kind of feelings before, or since then, for another man. You were kind in my admission. That's all there was. We accepted it.

And we continued in our lives.

When my marriage ended, you called me. My "world" was over. "You're so strong Kurtz..." you kept saying to me. Right there, you did an invocation and told me it would pass. It did. The pain, realization of what I thought was my world, was over. But I picked up the pieces and kept going. So much of that had to do with you.

From myspace to Facebook, from the clubs or bookstores, to gatherings of our fellow believers in our faith, I always appreciated the light you brought. I watched you walk down roads of self-destruction and return safely. One faith to another, invoking this god or that one...but you remained committed to the path of truth.

Still, I knew before and know now, you were too much. Your spirit and mind overfilled the cup and those who couldn't stand the waves of your knowledge, would drown in them...hate you for it. That's how it was. In Alchemy, the soul is born from thrusting the flesh and mind into fire. It's Iron Ore. You did that. You were too much for that body. The soul overwhelmed and you moved on. Your soul had learned so much and was ready to leave this world.

Somewhere, your spirit is right now. You loved hacking systems of control. Maybe like "Lawnmower Man" you've consumed that system and taken over.

Last night, I stood under the night sky and looked at the stars asking where you were. I didn't hear an answer. No great response. No affirmation of the universe. Just quiet.

You've moved on. There's another world you're in right now, either digital or natural. Either way, I'm sure you are the same as you were on earth: Ripping apart systems and discovering their inner workings. You won't stop until you find all the answers. And if it took leaving your body to do so, then so mote it be. There's a world in a world in a world that needs to be understood.

"To me a book is a message from the gods to mankind; or, if not, should never be published at all" Crowley said once. And so you lived a life. A message and inspiration from the gods. If not, then why live at all?

Thank you my friend for our years of shared knowledge. Hail Brother in our Faith. I love you.

5 thoughts on “You were too much Benjamin

  1. Benjamin was my Nephew. We have always been close – he was my walking partner in the early mornings when I visited. Thank you for such a wonderful tribute. His soul truly was ready to move on , from the restraints of the body to the freedom he strived for.
    Fly free my Benjamin.

Leave a Reply